Oversensitive Mollie?

Nearly there. Nearly the holidays, goddammit!! Two school days left, then two weeks of sweet freedom!! What I am going to do with said freedom is not much of a mystery - spend as much time away from my house and spend as much time at Fez's place as possible. Over the past few months, living at my place has become particuarly unbearable and increasingly restrictive (not in ways regarding what I'm allowed to do.. Well, it is, actually. I'm not allowed to express any emotion, have anything seem wrong with me, be sick, be on the phone too long, be in my room too long, watch tv too long, or do anything for more than two hours, or one, depending on my Dad's mood, or dope supply, rather). A few of you read that blog I wrote about my Dad, shame I accidentally deleted it, because I'm not going over all that again now.
One thing I can't wait for is my twenty year old cousin Katherine's engagement party on the 5th of July. She's been with her fiancee, Michael, since she was 13 or so, now they're finally going to tie the knot. I'm really happy for them! I'm bringing Fez along too, it sprang to mind the moment the party was mentioned, but Dad, of all people, offered for him to come along first. He's either trying to suck up to me, or he didn't mean what he said about Fez a couple of weeks back. My bet is on the aforementioned. He's awfully scared of his little girl hating him, bit late now, though. I think deep down, he knows, he may be trying to redeem himself?

I remember Mum telling me that once when I was three, I was lying on the floor, flailing about, screaming "I WISH THERE WAS NO DAD!!! I WISH THERE WAS NO DAD!!!" and that prompted my Mum, for pretty much the first time ever, to stick up for me, by telling him to "quit being an arsehole, right now, or your daughter will never forgive you". I think from then on, my Dad was a touch phobic of me hating him, but obviously not very much. He hasn't changed for the better, he's gotten worse in his old age! It's his 60th birthday on the 27th, I'm just getting him some cheap and nasty aftershave. I'm not going to any trouble for a man that doesn't know his own daughter's birthday, age or anything else much!

It's a pity I can't move away as of yet, but the time will come soon. Hey, I've put up with all this for over 15 years, I can stand another couple.. At least that's what I would have said in happier times. Now it's more like "OHMYGODIWANTTOGETTHEFUCKOUTRIGHTNOW", but hey, I'll trudge on anyway. You can't run away from life's difficulties. 

Over the past few days, I've also realised my self esteem is not nearly as high as I thought it was. I still have some, just not enough. My lack of self esteem raised its ugly head after all the teasing I cop at school built up enough, I got negative comments from my "friends" and after I found out that one of my other "friends" can't stand a certain aspect of me, and all of this reduced me to tears. 

You see, at school, since I left Alex for Fez, Alex will not stop giving me extensive shit infront of my "friends" and making incredibly rude jokes at my expense. At first it offended me, after awhile I let it fly over my head, but really it was just building up, and I can't let it go by anymore. He'll say anything to make me look bad, things like how ugly I look naked (although he's never even seen me naked properly), how much of a slut I am, how bad I look in whatever I'm wearing, how bad my hair looks, how bad I was as a girlfriend compared to his other exes (even though it was proven, not just by him, that until the incident, I was his favourite girlfriend so far and generally the highest rated.. Even he himself said I was way above the "bar" he lifted his standards to), how ugly I am compared to other girls, how disgusting Fez and I are as a couple, the list goes right on. It's basically all the superficial "guy stuff", half of it made up.  

Of course, I stick up for myself and tell him to shut the hell up, and that he's no one to say who's hot or not, which of course he turns around onto me to attempt make me feel bad, which it doesn't, it just makes me angry. He's incredibly clever like that, however frustrating. 

But sometimes, if he's not feeling spiteful, which changes every half hour, he'll stick up for me, he'll indirectly remark on my attaractiveness, he'll say a good word about Fez, he'll tell teachers threatening to call my Dad about what my Dad is indeed like, and ask them to "just sign her death wish now??"

He's even perportedly gone in and out of wanting me back, not that he would ever even THINK of proposing such an idiotic thing. He knows very well how happy Fez and I are together, and if he were to even tell me he was thinking that, ohhhh boy would he get a verbal bashing. I'm sure if I gave him a verbal bashing, he'd just use it as an excuse to say horrible things to and about me and make me feel like shit.

He hasn't been the only one doing that (making me feel like shit), a few of my friends in class were talking about how unattaractive I was to them and in comparison to other girls. My "friend" Ryan, a kind hearted kid who tries waaaaaaay too hard to be all dark, evil and negative, was talking about his crush Georgia, and turned to me and said, "Mollie, in terms of cuteness, you've got nothing on Georgia." I raised my eyebrow, and replied,
"Oh really." in a skeptical manner.
"Yeah, she is just waaay cute. Besides, there's only one girl at this school I think is cute anyway." I knew who he was talking about, it was Kayla, one of the "enemy girls" from my "Judgmental?" blog. 
"Well, I'm sure if I actually put effort into how I look for school, all you gus would reckon I was cute."
"No. You're just... No. You're my friend, it would be too weird." Ryan replied. Jonno, sitting beside me, pitched in with,
"Sorry Mollie, you're just not pretty." At that point, I was ready to stab someone. I know I shouldn't care about what they think, but name me three women who (genuinely) don't care if they're told they're not pretty by two men at a time, and four in one day. It was weird hearing that from Ryan also, he used to have a crush on me in term 1. 

Oh, the other two were Alex and Casey. I walked in on Casey talking to two other boys I was acquainted with, saying "...WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!!!" and cracking up. Me, in my curiosity, walked up behind him and asked,
"Hit what with a sledgehammer?" and his friends cracked up. One of them, someone who is known to be extremely honest and tactless, said,
"Oh, he was talking about you, he said he'd hit that.. With a sledgehammer!" At this point, Casey started furiously stuttering,
"N-N-N-NO! I was t-talking about-t ummmm... Zombies!!! Yeah, zombies!! Y'knoww, hitting zombies with a sledgehammer??? Hahahahahaha" and started miming sledgehammering zombies. I rolled my eyes and walked out of the room. I knew Phil wasn't lying, he's told a girl from my school she looked like a $3.00 hooker, which she kind of does.

I was getting sick of being thought of as a dog, especially when I know I'm not. Heck, the staff even reckon I should do modelling of some description. I would consider taking up that role, when I'm older and my skin is clearer, and when I'm financially stable and not too busy.

I got home that night and talked to my friend Daniel, who doesn't go to school much, on MSN about it, and he got very angry at them. He reassured me he thought I was pretty, and even added he thought it would have been so funny if he was there, not for them, though. This made me feel alot better.

A couple of hours after he left I chatted to his best mate Andrew properly for the first time, who was random and funny, just like Daniel. But at one point he mentioned that Daniel was sick of "hearing shit he doesn't want to know from me".. Andrew urged him to just tell me this, but he said he couldn't do that. This upset me particuarly, because he was begrudgingly putting up with an aspect of my personality he doesn't even understand, and not even letting me know how annoyed he was about it. I was kind of aware I said too much, only because Daniel and Ryan would make fun of me for highly confidential things  I've mentioned happened a lot, but I didn't think it genuinely annoyed him. 

Daniel's always been the guy who, if I even look anything less than happy, he tilts his head to the side and asks me, "What's wrong, Mollie?" and if I say "nothing" or something, he won't believe it and often makes me "spit it out" when there is indeed, nothing to "spit out". It's like he wants to know what's wrong, but when I tell him, he gets annoyed because he doesn't want to know! Fez thinks he's trying to appear sensitive, even though he isn't, particuarly. I think he is, maybe I'm just giving too much detail, I don't know. It doesn't help that I'm naturally an open, expressive person that keeps alot of her feelings inside; I often can't help but spill everything to nearly anyone, unless I have reason not to trust them. 

At first, I thought that by him saying that, it meant he didn't care about my problems. Although, that was totally wrong. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have asked me what was wrong, he wouldn't have gotten wound up over those guys saying I wasn't pretty and I guess by him not wanting to tell me, that means that he didn't want to upset me.. When I thought of that, it touched me. Although I would have preferred if he did tell me, I would have just explained that I keep alot of things in, and I tell people things like that because I figure I can trust them if they even take interest in the first place, and it makes me feel better to talk. I guess maybe he was just trying to suck it up and help me, I dunno. 

It also proved he cared when, the next night, he asked me how I was, and I just said "Meh." he, of course, asked me what was wrong, I replied with, "It's nothing, you wouldn't want to know, anyway." He simply replied with,
"Tell me." I denied to tell him again, and he responded with, "No. Tell me." so I told him a little bit, and he was very reassuring. 

Maybe what Andrew said was bullshit, but I doubt it. It really wouldn't come as a shock that anyone would say that, really. But that night, it just all got too much and I cried myself to sleep. I don't know if it was really worth crying over, but I realised I have little self esteem because, if I had good self esteem, all that stuff wouldn't get to me at all. But it does. I know there's nothing wrong with me, just the way other people interpret it and such can really upset me. I don't know, maybe I'm just being oversensitive. 

Mum said I should tell the boys at school how I feel about all the jokes and that, but I don't want to wreck Alex and the other guys' fun or feel like I'm being precious. Mum then added that it's not fun if I'm getting offended. I've always been very sensitive, and I've been taking all this shit to build myself up and get the fuck over it. I know not everyone's going to think I'm pretty/awesome/whatever, I just don't want to hear it if they don't. I know I'll have to at some stage, ie now, but I'll avoid it if possible.. Besides, there's a difference between critisicm and teasing.

But for now I'll stick with the "Get the fuck over it, woman!" motto. It's something my Dad would say, but I've got to put it into practise. If I do try to stop them, they'll just avoid me or give me more shit, they're good mates when they want to be, just... Yeah, I don't like the near-constant remarks. I'll feel pathetic if I start crying about it to Cameron, the co-ordinator, although Mum already did at parent-teacher interviews. I refused to let Cam do anything about it though, even though he said "Enough is enough.", I just don't want to feel precious and vulnerable to them. I want to be their mate, one of the boys, which I kind of am, although referred to as their "Resident Female", and quite often sympathised over. They know they give me shit, not that they'd stop, anyway. Again, I'll get over it.
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  1. meredith

    Gosh, I really don’t know quite what to say to this – your “friends” are being unnecessarily cruel to you and for the life of me, I can’t imagine why. I’ve known girls to be purposely mean but not so much guys. It is obvious that they don’t mean what they say about your looks. If you were truly unattractive, chances are they would keep it to themselves. It seems to me that they likely think the opposite and just want to play with your self confidence. Maybe they think you are confident and they need to bring you down to make themselves feel better. I’d like to go to your school and kick the shit out of all of them. Seriously. I would not, as your mother suggests, tell them that it bothers you. Don’t give them the power. Just nod your head and walk away with a smile knowing that their words are not based in reality and can’t hurt you. I would also ignore Andrew’s comment about Daniel not needing “so much information”. It’s clear from his actions that he does, indeed care about you and if he continues to press you for reasons why are are sad, silent etc., tell him. Perhaps Daniel was trying to play the cool guy to Andrew and not come across as the sensitive guy he actually is. Concentrate on how Daniel is with you and not on what Andrew says. Sorry for the novel. You just impress the hell out of me and I hate to read about others causing you to be upset and down on yourself.

    June 25, 2008
  2. Mezlie

    Thank you SO much, both of you!!

    Meri – grins at the sight of your comment … God, I really would like to see you just magically appear and kick the stuff out of em!! _

    I’ve kind of gone back to letting it fly over my head now, it’s changing by the minute. Your advice is good, though, I can’t let them know it gets to me – they’ll just be dickheads about that, won’t they?

    Yeah, you’re right about Daniel, too. I never thought about the idea that maybe Daniel is trying to look tough infront of Andrew, although I somehow doubt that, he’s not really that type.. But hey, y’never know, it’s very very possible. But I did come to the conclusion that he does care, I guess. He must… Not enough evidence to prove the contrary.

    Never mind about the length of the post, it was very valuable advice! I listen to every word you say, Meri.

    Oh, by the way… For someone that didn’t know what to say in the beginning, you sure figured it out ok! :P

    TheAlreadyJaded – People really are mean, hey? Some, anyway. Not the guys on thoughts though, I can’t say I’ve run into any meanies here!

    I try not to let it get to me, but it all builds up, you see. It’s nearly constant, and right now I’m thanking God it’s holidays now.

    June 27, 2008