Odd, surprising feeling of insecurity.

Ok, now I'm not a person people would typically label as insecure, but today I felt that awkward, sad feeling of discomfort for the first time in ages. Why exactly that is sounds rather silly, but it's only human I guess.

I was sitting in Literacy class with my 5 fellow classmates, and our trainer, Paul (at ie Directions, teachers, or, trainers are referred to on a first name basis - more personal that way ^_^) were discussing our reports and doing a little work, when ever-so randomly, a few people congregate outside my classroom, there's the over-worked co-ordinator Cameron, a middle aged man, and the most gorgeous girl I've seen enter the building. She had butt-length blonde hair, a fit figure, and pretty features overall. Of course, my classmates all being boys, proceeded to drool at her, stare at her and make comments about her to eachother about how "Holy shit she's sooooo hot!!!" she was. Even Paul made an indirect comment regarding her attaractiveness, saying "Well, she is a bit.. Wooo.." 

This kind of alienated me, being the only girl in my class. Of course, me being me, I didn't let it show at all. I even went "Wow, yeah, she really is hot... Even I'll admit that!" and she was hot. No, I'm not bi, I can just appreciate female beauty. But really, something inside me asked myself, then what do those guys think of me? Did they gawk at me like that when they first saw me? Nah, I doubt it. I'm not that kind of  "knock 'em down" pretty... Goddammit I wish I was...

Now this, this was my first flash of insecurity regarding my looks in AGES. Now I know I'm not an ugly person at all, just at that time it made me feel rather alienated, being a girl stuck in a class full of men hooting at another female. It wasn't jealousy, though, it was more the fact it made me worry about what they thought of how I look. I assume it can't be too bad, there's only approximately 10 girls at the school, only 2 of which I really get on with. 

I guess it's natural for girls to feel insecure about themselves sometimes. I bet even that blonde girl thinks to herself "Man, I wish I looked like her" or similar things. That, and boys will be boys, and for almost all of their lives will hoot at attaractive women, regardless of who's around... I just hope they don't do it around other girls like me. :P

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  1. EasyToSay

    Don’t worry about it too much – I’ll bet they’d all prefer to talk to you than this new person. Men are just easily distracted and attracted by something that looks “pretty”.
    I’m sure you are a beautiful woman inside and out

    June 03, 2008
  2. meredith

    It is completely normal when you hear boys talk about how pretty another girl is to wonder if they think YOU are pretty too. I still do it in my mid 30s! You are just human. And, I saw your picture and you are adorable. I bet the guys DID make comments about you when they first met you. And, I am positive that the blonde girl has her moments of insecurity as well. Again, so impressed with your writing.

    June 03, 2008
  3. Mezlie

    Thank you SOO much you guys, your reassurance really made me smile.

    June 04, 2008