Ok, well, I'm not having a very good day, so I'll just rant for a little while. If I may offend any of you, I'm sorry, no harm was meant.
GOD DAMN FUCKING LIFE BLARGH
Ok, got the swearing in caps out the way. I hate being so damn insecure about myself, I feel like I'm not a good girlfriend to Ezra because all I do is wallow in my own self pity and not be this image of the picture perfect girlfriend I've always wanted to be, and no doubt Ezra always wanted. All I ever do is compare myself to other women: "Oh, she's hotter than me", probably in the hope of being reassured by Ezra, whom every day I pray isn't getting sick of me and my insecurities. I'm insecure about my insecurities, fuck!
Before, I thought I wasn't insecure at all, I had a positive body image and now all I do is put myself down. Maybe it's out of fear and paranoia that Ezra will fall in love with someone esle, I dunno.
That's where my damn jealousy comes in, I'm so shit-scared Fez will drop me for someone more "fun" or "happy" or "cute" or "pretty" or "hot" or whatever, because all I do is fucking WHINE WHINE WHINE and then continuously apologise for how tedious I act - an apology is made every 2 minutes on my behalf for whatever, I worry he tires of that, too, it's just a vicious cycle of insecurities and inadequacy!
I'm even jealous of Ezra's damn priveliged life, as much as I hate to admit it, because he's perfectly damn happy in his little naive bubble of easy living. Even he admits he has it really, really good! Nice house, straight A student, NICE PARENTS, active social life with good, stable, close friends AND a circle of acquaintances, AND NOW he has a trophy girlfriend all his mates are shit-jealous of - of which I take pride in, but that's beside the point!! I know Ezra can't help having a good life, but I still think I resent him for it - God, isn't that shameful, resenting your own boyfriend for his own happiness. Out of jealousy, no less. I'm a freaking loser.
That too, I'm too lazy to get myself a damn future. I've never been bothered to do fucking homework or anything, because that seems to be what my future depends on: how much damn homework I did in high school! For fuck's sake. If I jsut don't want to do something, there is NO FREAKING WAY you can get me to do it! Ever! It's my own stubborness and my own defiance that lead to my eventual self destruction. I just can't live up to my own damn expectations, if I did, I wouldn't be at ie! IT'S A LOSER SCHOOL! IT'S FOR PEOPLE THAT CAN'T COPE IN NORMAL SCHOOL, AND I'M THERE! I'M SMART, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, but I can't be all that smart if I'm that defiant, can I? Hah! I AM a dumbass! I know I can fix it myself, but I can't do things for myself at ie! It's basically a babysitting day care centre! I have to get out of there first... I'm humiliated to say I go there. I'm a loser compared to Ezra. There, see? I compare myself to high achievers all the time and get down on myself for not being perfect! And today, Ezra mentioned that "My disdain for schoolwork is the only immature aspect of me", that pissed me off, why? No, I wasn't mad at Ezra, I WAS SCARED TO HEAR THE TRUTH. I WAS MAD AT MYSELF. I just yelled down the phone "I'M NOT PERFECT" and hung up after saying more shit, and ran off for awhile. I was angry at myself. I want to be perfect, I know that's unrealistic, but I do.
God, Andy was right when he said I had low self esteem and that I'm a self-victimizer. But I appreciated it from him, he was trying to help me, not just point out my flaws.
I can't get any help from any of my "friends" either, none of my friends approximately my age can handle it!! They just go "..." or "Wtf?" or ">_>" and fuck me off. I SPEND HOURS FUCKING COUNSELLING THEM, TAKING CARE OF THEM, WHATEVER, WHAT DO I GET?!? FUCKING SQUAT!!!
I'm constantly trying to help myself through helping other people, hence why I want to be a counselor, so is that it? Am I that troubled, my mission in life is just to fulfill myself?? Not sure if there's anything wrong with that, but you know. It really seems like it.
I guess this is what living with Dad can do to you. That's what Mum would say, anyway, she blames ALL my problems on him. I have to take some responsibility for myself, right? Yeah, of course I do!! But I can't say that dad didn't help the consistent lowering of my self esteem.
Is what Andy said right, am I really 15 going on 20? With what I've written... Scrawled... So far, I don't think so. Deep down I'm just like everyone else, but I don't want that! EVERYONE ELSE SUCKS!! Oh gawd, how pretentious of me.
It seems so frightening
Time passes by like lightening
Before you know it you're struck down
I always waste my time on
My chemical emotions
That keep my head spinning around..
Ok, I'm about done, I feel released. That was everything that was on my mind at those moments in time, if you did read it, I hope you, umm, enjoyed it? It's not exactly wholesome, quality reading but eh, I'm not doing this for any of you (suck it), it's for me. MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! *dances*
Good night, Thoughts.com and your slow loading pages.
*Deep breath* --
I'm sorry. I get erratic.
GAAAAAAAH AGAIN WITH THE CONSTANT APOLOGIES!!!!